Here we go.

Fuck this shit.
It's never going to go away, is it?
Ever.
It always has to hover below the surface, ready to overflow at any moment.
And it does overflow. Oh, it does. At the most inconvenient times, at best.
I don't think it'll ever completely detach itself.
Go away.

Fuck me sideways.

I didn't know it was possible for you to be any more difficult than you already are.
Apparently that's where I'm wrong.
I also didn't know it was possible to become any more senile.
I'm wrong there, too.
It seems as the days go on, you just become more and more off your head. I don't understand it one bit. You make this household miserable. You are the cause of this dysfunctional situation.
You really need to get a reality check; your ways are completely beyond me.

SWEET...( 'cept not).

I dislike people who contradict themselves. It is extremely irritating. I also do not like it when I am told I have been lost respect of, and that I do not deserve to live.
You are one of my really good friends; I really didn't expect that from you.
The perfect example of a contradictory sentence:
"I just think people who are like that are stupid and do not deserve to live...that's all. I like you. I have just lost respect for you."
WHAAATHEFUCK.
If you like me, you would not tell me I deserve to die. Thank you very much for that. I thought I could trust you. We had been getting closer lately, and then you go and say that.
"Well to me it just proves you're immature, but I still like you."
Oh, but what is this? You still like me? Then don't talk to me like that. Why did it not make a difference before? Why have you suddenly lost respect for me now? You can't just change what you think that quickly.
"But it's just who I am."
Oh shut up, that doesn't even mean anything. You are just talking out of your ass now. You have the worst logic I think I have ever come across in my life. It does not make any sense.
"Chill, it's my own view on things, please don't take this to heart."
You know what, I'm going to fucking take it to heart if you told me I don't deserve to live. What the fuck is that? Why did you even open your mouth in the first place then? As I say, your logic is beyond me. Yeah I still love you because you're my friend, and I'm never going to lose my respect for you because of something so stupid. And I won't randomly decide to change my opinion of you either. Just because I did something not particularly to your liking should not change what you think of me. You know me. I know you do. I just don't understand why you're doing this.

*

A joke, you say? Approaching a subject when not seeking something is far from hilarious. The funny side, if existent, is irrelevant.
Friendship is granted when deserved? Does this imply I do not deserve your friendship? If this is the case, then it is not my choice when to acknowledge.
Keep in mind, I was the first to restart conversation, even if not face to face. Then I hear an apology is the ticket to friendship. The negativity was an impulse; something I chose instead of anguish.
I know you do not mean disrespect.
Neither do I.
In fact, I respect you.

.

Willingness?
Acknowledgment is not necessarily defined by granted eye contact.
Approachability is key in receiving something you seek.

[No Subject]

I realize that, but when? I don't notice any willingness to acknowledge.

Uhmm...?

Before I start, I know you're going to say something about me 'hiding behind a computer screen' to say this, but to be honest I would never remember everything in person, and we all know how dreadful I am at explaining things, so none of it would come out right.
A little birdie told me you are after an apology from me, and how if you just got that 'everything would be alright.' The thing is, I don't feel like I'm the one that should be apologizing here. I only behaved like the biggest bitch ever because temporarily I was angry. I was angry at you because being mad is so much easier than being sad. I chose not to feel the pain. I chose not to be hurt. Instead I turned it all into anger, and threw it at you. At the time, I didn't know any kind of pain like that in my life. I couldn't believe it was happening. No matter how many times you say you do, I don't think you understand quite how hurt I felt. I can assure you the behaviour I threw at you was nothing compared to what I felt inside.
I'm not asking you to apologize either. I wish we could just stop this, and be civilized toward one another. It doesn't make sense to me why this has to go on. It wasn't right of me to behave that way toward you, but like I said, it was so much easier than feeling the pain. It was just so hard for me to see you change so quickly before my eyes. I am no longer angry at you, I just don't see why I have to apologize to you.
Again, I'm sorry for doing this on the computer, but there is no fuckin' way I would have remembered all that, haha. Thank you.

If you could fuck off, that would be greatly appreciated.

I HATE this. Why does so much shit have to happen all at once?
Homework can go suck itself. I have never been invaded in my own privacy more than this homework has in my life. I think I am going to shoot myself in the face. Then at least I won't have to deal with it all. Ah well, this is what they call Hell Week.

Fuck, you. I do not understand. I do not care to understand. But you know what? I'm not going to act like some stupid little girl. I am going to be the mature one, for once. Some shit is just a fuck up, and there's nothing that can be done about it. If I try to make things better, I will just screw it over even more, so some things are best left not dealt with. Makes life easier, in a sense.

Why are you doing this? Is it to try and make me jealous or something? Because that's not the way to get me to like you, this just makes me mad. I do not deserve to be treated in that way. Just because I gave you this leeway doesn't mean you should push the envelope like this. Yet I do not want to be a shit disturber, so it is best left not dealt with as well, because you will just get defensive. Well, at least I noticed an improvement today and yesterday. Maybe someone told you how I feel, even though I DEFINITELY told them not to tell anyone. Trust issues are always inconvenient.

As for you, I am about over the edge. I simply do not know what to do anymore. I have tried everything. Everyone has tried to help me with this situation multiple times, but nothing ever works. I do not respect your superiority over me. In fact, I do not respect you at all. You do not deserve to be superior over me. You are the epitome of an authoritarian. That is not the kind of person you want to be. It will destroy my future, I hope you realize. Fucking fascist. Go die. Kthx.

To sum it up, I am rather PO'd at this point in time. Oh well. Things will blow over soon. Or I'll just learn to deal with it, like everything else.

Hurrrh Duuurhh...

You are the most nauseating person I think I have ever come across in my life. I do not know what to make of you. You get away with so much, it sickens me. I want to vomit. Why are you doing this? You're obviously jealous. That is the reason. You are trying to make me jealous. Well, it's not working. It just makes me want to throw up.

Aaaahhhhhhjuqajugjz5bmmzphagnbxbe61bwytgfamvoiqj.

I have fuckn mono.
Well, I'm not entirely sure yet. The doctor thought it was strep throat so he gave me some antibiotics for it on Friday, and told me to come back if I wasn't feeling better by Monday. He also took a swab of my throat. So today is Monday (clearly) and I went back there just for him to tell me that no streptococcus bacteria grew on the culture, so it must be mono. FML. I'm going for a blood test tomorrow just to be sure. There is no cure for mono, so I have to wait two to four weeks for it to go away on its own. Weakness and fatigue can last for months after other symptoms have gone. FMLFMLFMLLLLLLL. I haven't even had a chance to go Christmas shopping yet. I damn well better be better by Christmas, or some family isn't going to be happy about their baby being nailed to a tree.
I mean...what?!

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart;

I know this is right. I knew this would happen, I knew my feelings for you would go right back to square one again. I knew they couldn't die off that quickly.
Even though you are not my knight in shining armour, and I am not your princess, the connection is there. I understand you more than most people, and I know that's what you need. I know that you've been hurt, and I know that you still are. I know you need that extra amount of love. I'm here to give it to you. I care about you. You mean a lot to me. You've helped me through so much. I don't know where I would be if you hadn't given me that extra push. Thank you for believing in me.
It's here, to stay.

Fanbloodytastic.

I feel like shittttt.
I want to drive home from tap today, and my father did not let me. So naturally, being a teenager, I protest. The answer I get in a raised voice is that I am ungrateful and I have an attitude problem. I do not even bother to respond to that. He has his crappy music blasting from his phone so I turn it down. He turns it up louder. I turn it down once again. He swerves sharply off of the road onto the gravel and tells me to get out and walk home, and drives away. I walk to Panorama and call my best friend. She picks me up and takes me back to her house. Later my mom takes me home. She agrees that he should not have done that. Then starts to yell at me for feeling sorry for myself, and how I take them for granted. Just what I need after being dumped on the curb by my own father.
Thanks for that.
Thank you very much.

Phylum Platyhelminthes, Nematoda, and Annelida. Wait, what?!

So, I am supposed to be working on my biology right now in class. But hell, it's sometimes fun to be a rebel. C'mon you all know I'm right. I wish I wasn't such a procrastinator, it really sucks. I have so much stuff due in the next few days, and I've barely started any of it. I wish I could just sit down and do my homework without trouble and without being distracted, but that never happens. I'll worry about that later.
I feel a rant coming on.
You make my life miserable. Why do you do this to me? You can see that I'm unhappy, I don't understand why you can't just realize what you're doing and stop before things get even more out of hand than they already are. You just carry on regardless, not even considering how I feel about anything. It's like my feelings are nonexistant to you. Put down after put down I have to put up with. When I do something drastic to try and change the way you behave toward me, it gets better at first, then we're back to square one again. It's just one big vicious circle. What annoys me the most is how you try and tell me everything is my fault. And how you tell everyone you meet what a bitch I am. It is extremely unfair. You bring things up from the past out of the blue that you know will upset me, just to get a kick out of it. You laugh at me. You look for ways to make me upset and angry. Although you always manage to turn it around so it's my fault. So I'm the one to blame. And I am sick of it. You have no friends, I wonder why. I wish we got along better, I really do. You make that impossible. There is no way I will ever get along with you if you carry on the way you are. You wonder why I don't spend more time with you, it's because I can't stand being around you. I can't stand being in one constant battle with you. It kills me. You are slowly killing me. My pride, my soul, my self-esteem. You just want to flush it all down the toilet. Thanks for that. Thank you very much.

I would.

Big Baby
This made me laugh really, really hard.

They don't know how real love feels.

I love you. More than you could ever imagine. Every single one of you. You make me happier than I have ever been. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have you. I am so grateful I don't know how to express it.
Thank you. Thank you ever so much. I don't know what I would do without you. You have helped me through so much, it's unbelieveable. If you hadn't been there for me when times were rough, I would have never been able to pull myself out of it alone.
You are the creators of my memory, you are what gives me the willpower to get up every morning. You are what pushes me to get through the day, my guiding light, the pieces that make me a whole. The love that I feel for you is indescribable. Without you I would be nothing shy of a loser.
Thank you.


I love you. Never forget that.

Good lord.

I care about you. I really do. A lot.
The thing is, I still don't think I fully understand you.
It is frustrating to me, because out of everyone I've ever met, you are the hardest to read. I need to read people to figure out what they're thinking before they say it, but apparently I can't do that with you. That's why I worry about you so much. Because I can't predict your actions in the slightest. Sometimes, you do things that even though I don't understand your motive, I still try. I know I have some kind of connection with you. You've said this yourself; that I'm the only one that understands the concepts. In this way, I'm honoured. Because when you put your mind to something that's worth it, it's so much easier to grasp. I just want you to know that you are my friend and I love you, and that I care about you very much. I'll always be here for you no matter what, whenever you need someone to listen. It is the least I can do to thank you for opening up to me, and explaining how the gears turn up there. It was an epiphany for me.
Thank you.

It's as simple as that.

Had a great night! The end was the best ;) haha. Things just keep gettin' better and better pour moi. Well...there are still issues that need to be sorted out. Oh well. Life's good!

Nothin' can b-b-b-b-bring me down now.

Appaaaaaaaaarently not! The dance was SO much fun last night! Aaaaaaaand something happened. And now I'm extreeeeemely happy. I'm not even mad right now, which I should be.
I can't believe you could be such a hypocritical bitch. I never expected you to do this. To lie to me too. I thought we were really good friends. It's not the fact that you did it, it's the fact that you're hypocritical and a liar that pisses me off. The fact that you made up said rule too, and now you're doing the complete opposite. Except it's so much worse. How do you think I feel? I don't give two shits what he does with whom, it's the fact that it was you and what happened last year between us, sorting out that this would never happen again. I guess I could never trust you. I just can't believe you would do this. I feel betrayed. Hahaha, friends. Hahahahahahahahaha.
Anyway, enough with the bitch ranting. At this moment, nothing can bring my mood down. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Ugh.

I think I was misinterpreting things. Ah well.

Butterflies

Uuuuuurrgghhhhh. Why does this always happen to me? I am the most awkward person on the entire planet. It's not fair. Why does everyone else get to be so confident about themselves? Self-esteem is a bitch. I wish I could be more sure of myself. Sadly it's not that easy.

When you look at me, I feel at home somehow. You are like me in so many ways. I love it. Whenever you smile at me it makes me feel on top of the world. It makes my day so much better, even if you have no idea. I could never see you turning into anything less than more sweet, which you already are. So many people have just taken a turn for the worse and turned into something unrecognizable. I know that could never happen to you. We don't know each other all that well, but things can only go up from here, right?

Maybe I'm misinterpreting things.
Who knows?

Dum dee dum.

Well I've pretty much given up on giving two shits anymore. Why did you need to do that? It seems pretty childish to me, right after you said you decided not to be like that. Whatever really, that's your choice. I don't even care anymore.

LAME.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Oh wow. Hahahahahahaha. That's actually hilarious. Hahaha.

Hahaha.

Haha.





Ha.


Wow.

Holes...

Well, sticky hole is a tad bit shallower. At least, I've cleared up one aspect. A choice still needs to be made, however. Ah well I've got too much social studies to worry about anything else right now.

Oh, and you're kind of a bitch.
And you, you make me cringe.
And you are a little bit too, but that's okay, I still put up with you. Everyone does. You can be nice sometimes.

But none of you know that.
That's alright, my secret.

Faaaahhcck.

THE HOLE IS GETTIN' DEEPER, BABY! You know, I think I may as well be living in it. Better start making a nest then.
Why do I let these things happen? Now I feel like a shit face. Which I am. Fantastic. Some things are just better kept to myself, right? I'd better just try and forget it happened.
It's so hard though.
Well, I'd better make a choice soon, or this hole might be on its way to China very soon.

Oh Jeez.

Why do I dig myself a hole? It's bad, but I can't help it. I like the warm and fuzzy feeling it gives me. I didn't really want it to be like this but it looks like this is the way it's going. I like it. Yet I don't. WHY IS THIS SO CONFUSING? Why does being a teenager have to be so frustrating? I wish it didn't happen at this time. Uuuuugghhh. I am going to end up doing something bad. But I can't stop myself! Argh, I'm stupid. Stupid, stupid. Dumb and reckless. Spontaneous at the wrong times. This hole is just getting deeper by the minute. I ain't gonna be able to get myself out if I keep a diggin'.

What I See.

Your hands possess potential,
Your eyes swell with wonder.
Your smile is contagious,
And your heart beats like thunder.

Well then.

I simply was feeling like I was being ripped apart at the seams. I felt like half of me was just getting up and leaving. I have never been through that kind of pain before in my life. It was the most awful thing I have ever gone through. You don't seem to understand the pain you have caused me, even if you didn't want to, or tried your hardest not to. The first part of the grieving process is sadness, the second anger. I was simply angry at you for what you had done to me. I turned everything that you said into something that hurt me, something for me to be angry at, to make myself feel better even if it didn't deep down. It may be selfish in a sense, yet it helped me overcome the pain.
I don't feel this way toward you now; I've moved on from that. Someone close to me taught me how to rid myself of these feelings at all, and it helped me a great deal. I've learned everyone has a choice, and I chose to be angry because it made the pain leave my heart, if only temporarily. I understand how my words would hurt you, believe me I do. I feel no hatred toward you now. I was just angry because I couldn't believe this was happening to me. I've learned to accept the truth now, and that in itself has made the pain evaporate.

Vomit.

You make me sick. Just to look at you and your smiling face and how you pretend to care makes me want to throw up. The way you laugh and carry on like nothing ever happened. Everything you said to me near the end was a lie. It can't change that quickly. They had such an effect on you and your decisions. You listened anyway, even though you know they don't care about you. You said I was the only one who did. Now you've thrown me away. How can you expect me to respect you? You've changed so much I barely recognize you. You've turned into one of them, even though you said you would never become one. You said you didn't need all that. You didn't need it to have fun. There was more important things. Clearly your mind has changed.
I don't need you. There are far better people to spend my time with, who truly care. Who take time out of their schedules just to be with me. People who's love will never change for me. Yours did drastically. And I have to live with that every day. But I've moved on now. You're a single memory I've pushed to the back of my head. I feel numb towards you. I can't feel you there. Your stare in the hallways; I look away as if you're just another face in a sea of faces. You once ripped my heart out, but now the pain is nothing more than a single drop of blood that needs to be wiped up.

Numb.

Eff.

More bad feelings. Except these bad feelings won't just go away. These feelings have become a reality. A horrific, terrifying, agonizing nightmare. I wish it was just a nightmare. Not my reality. Not what's actually happening to me. I feel like digging a hole and jumping in and burying myself and staying there forever. I feel like curling up in a ball and dying. My heart has been ripped out and stomped on.
The epitomy of shitty.
I feel like crying but can't because there's no tears left. Only shock and horror. Lonliness. Pain. Searing pain like a knife being stabbed through my heart. Like my body is being torn in half. Like the organs I need to survive are getting up and leaving. Like a huge chunk of my soul is missing.
I've never experienced such an agony before. Such a terrorizing blow to the head. The truth of knowing that it's coming to an end. The past few months have been the hardest.
And now it's come to this.
I never understood how it could come to this. In the beginning I never dreamed anything so unbearably painful could become a reality. I was happier than I've ever been in my entire life in the beginning. I was on top of the world, and nothing could bring me down.
But now, everything is so different. Everything that happens is done in a depressing way; every fake smile, every word. I look back on how it used to be and feel the salt being poured into the already deep cut wounds. I wish it was like that again. I wish wish wish more than anything that I knew everything was going to be okay, and that the knives will stop stabbing.
My world is falling and crashing into billions of pieces that cannot be put back together because there's just too many.
This is going to be a long and winding road with many obstacles.

But if it doesn't kill me, it makes me stronger.
Even if I fight a losing battle.

Upppppdates.

-I'm back from San Diego. Twas awesome. Not too hot and not too cold. Juuuuuuuust perfect.
-I've decided I'm going to save up more money to buy a computer first, not a camera.
-My hair is black. I really really like it. Everyone does except my mother, who did it in the first place. Reluctantly.
-I iz going to Cowichan this weekend for my friend Alanna's birthday. Gonna be ballin' homies. :)
-And I think that's about it. See ya.

Lalalala.

I think I'll get a computer instead of a camera. I need it way more, as I always get yelled at for being on my mother's. I'll finally be freeeeeee.

New. Like?

Yes? No? Yes.


No?

J-J-J-J-Job.

Guess what? I got a job. FINALLY. It's at DQ. I really really like it and it's a lot of fun so far. The only thing I don't like is that I don't know how to do everything yet. I'm not very fast at the till, and I don't know how to make everything yet. I'll get the hang of it soon enough though. :) I work on Saturday at 12. Drop on by and gimme a visit. :)
I'm also going to San Diego on Tuesday for 10 days. I iz pretty stoked for that.
I'm also probably getting a Nikon D60 SLR camera tomorrow. I iz defs stoked for that too. :)
Pce.

Deaf.

So I just got over tonsillitis, and I had an ear infection with it. I couldn't hear very well out of my left ear. Well I've gotten over tonsillitis with the antibiotics I was given, and my ear is still deaf. In fact, it's spread to both my ears. So now I'm deaf in both of my ears, and it's torture. It's just like constantly having ear plugs in your ears. I can barely hear someone when they're standing right next to me. I hate it. I went to the clinic today, and the doctor gave me some nasal spray, but I have a feeling it won't work. Crap.

Hmm...

Do you ever get that feeling when you're anxious? Or when you're worried about something and you wish wish wish you knew for sure things were going to be okay and nothing was going to change? Or when you know something that will tear your world apart is going to happen sooner or later and you can't do a thing about it? Well that's how I feel right now.

Tonsillitis

Okay so I was sitting around yesterday wondering why I might be so sick and I had a thought. I might have tonsillitis. So I looked at my throat and then I read in the health book and found that I had all the symptoms of it. So I decided to go to the clinic just to make sure. Sure enough, the doctor told me I had tonsillitis, and gave me a perscription for some meds. Pretty good self-diagnosis I'd say.

The Half-Blood Prince

I went to see the latest Harry Potter movie yesterday. I thought it was amazing. The night before, I had a Harry Potter marathon with a few of my friends. I never realized how bad the acting is in the first movie. It is SO BAD. Anyway, The Half-Blood Prince was exceptionally amazing. It was so much easier to relate to, as they threw in all the troubles of the teen years in there.
Also, I am really sick. I feel like dying.
Fantastic.

Greetings From Bed...

Well I don't really have anything to write. I'm just lying in bed doing nothing.
Do you ever think about if people saw different colours differently? Like for example if I saw the colour red as red, and someone else saw it as the colour yellow, but still called it red? Do you get me? Probably not. I'm not skilled in explaining complicated concepts. It also might be the reason some people say two colours match perfectly, but other people say it's hideous. I don't know. Maybe I'm crazy. Probably. Anyway I'm off to bed. G'night homeslices.

Hel-lo Overreaction.

Today I was sitting on the couch with Landon, when my dad asked me to do something in the kitchen, so as I was getting up to go do said task, I had my phone in my hand and was finishing texting someone. Not wanting to take my phone in the kitchen, I attempted to throw it over the couch, over the vase of flowers, and at Landon so he would catch it. I failed, however, and my throw ended up being too short. It hit the vase, not knocking it over or breaking it, but just knocking some petals off of the already half-dead flowers. My father, witnessing the whole shabang, proceeded to call me an idiot for doing this. As I followed him into the kitchen, he yelled at me even more for being so stupid and giving me the if-that-vase-had-broken-you-would-have-to-buy-your-mother-a-new-one routine. As I was in the kitchen doing whatever he asked me to do before, he muttered 'jerk' under his breath and crashed the pots and pans and such around while making dinner. Is this small accident worth this large outcome? I do not think so. I do not think so one bit.

Holy Moses

Okay so my mother wants me to print some photos with photo paper. It doesn't work with the dumb Picasa program that's good for nothing anyway, so I had to use the Windows program. It asked for the size and type of paper and all that shiznat, so I selected what I use and clicked print. It took like ten flippin' minutes to print it. Not even printing it, actually, just preparing to print it. Then another two minutes to print it. I don't know why I'm writing about this. Whatever. Now y'all know.

L'Bondage.

So I was in the car today with Josie and Holly (my friends) and we were talking about how Landon (my boyfriend), and Joe (my other friend), and me all have bumps on the back of our heads. Personally I think it's just part of the skull and that there's nothing to worry about. Josie thinks we should all get it checked out because she is paranoid for us. That is all.

What the Douche?

Hey everyone. My first blog. Well techinically it isn't; I had a blog before, but I forgot my password and when I entered my email for them to send it to me, nothing happened. Therefore I started again. Anyhoo on with my day.
Okay well it wasn't today.
A few days ago I went into DQ looking for a job and I handed my crisp resume to the manager, and he asked me if I had food safe and that I needed it within 3 months of working there. I think that is the most unnecessary thing ever. It made me laugh. Not to his face, of course, I didn't want to completely ruin my chances of getting the job. I didn't even want to work in the kitchen! Just at the till and to make ice cream and drinks and stuff for people. Dumb? Yes.