Uhmm...?

Before I start, I know you're going to say something about me 'hiding behind a computer screen' to say this, but to be honest I would never remember everything in person, and we all know how dreadful I am at explaining things, so none of it would come out right.
A little birdie told me you are after an apology from me, and how if you just got that 'everything would be alright.' The thing is, I don't feel like I'm the one that should be apologizing here. I only behaved like the biggest bitch ever because temporarily I was angry. I was angry at you because being mad is so much easier than being sad. I chose not to feel the pain. I chose not to be hurt. Instead I turned it all into anger, and threw it at you. At the time, I didn't know any kind of pain like that in my life. I couldn't believe it was happening. No matter how many times you say you do, I don't think you understand quite how hurt I felt. I can assure you the behaviour I threw at you was nothing compared to what I felt inside.
I'm not asking you to apologize either. I wish we could just stop this, and be civilized toward one another. It doesn't make sense to me why this has to go on. It wasn't right of me to behave that way toward you, but like I said, it was so much easier than feeling the pain. It was just so hard for me to see you change so quickly before my eyes. I am no longer angry at you, I just don't see why I have to apologize to you.
Again, I'm sorry for doing this on the computer, but there is no fuckin' way I would have remembered all that, haha. Thank you.