Eff.

More bad feelings. Except these bad feelings won't just go away. These feelings have become a reality. A horrific, terrifying, agonizing nightmare. I wish it was just a nightmare. Not my reality. Not what's actually happening to me. I feel like digging a hole and jumping in and burying myself and staying there forever. I feel like curling up in a ball and dying. My heart has been ripped out and stomped on.
The epitomy of shitty.
I feel like crying but can't because there's no tears left. Only shock and horror. Lonliness. Pain. Searing pain like a knife being stabbed through my heart. Like my body is being torn in half. Like the organs I need to survive are getting up and leaving. Like a huge chunk of my soul is missing.
I've never experienced such an agony before. Such a terrorizing blow to the head. The truth of knowing that it's coming to an end. The past few months have been the hardest.
And now it's come to this.
I never understood how it could come to this. In the beginning I never dreamed anything so unbearably painful could become a reality. I was happier than I've ever been in my entire life in the beginning. I was on top of the world, and nothing could bring me down.
But now, everything is so different. Everything that happens is done in a depressing way; every fake smile, every word. I look back on how it used to be and feel the salt being poured into the already deep cut wounds. I wish it was like that again. I wish wish wish more than anything that I knew everything was going to be okay, and that the knives will stop stabbing.
My world is falling and crashing into billions of pieces that cannot be put back together because there's just too many.
This is going to be a long and winding road with many obstacles.

But if it doesn't kill me, it makes me stronger.
Even if I fight a losing battle.