Vomit.

You make me sick. Just to look at you and your smiling face and how you pretend to care makes me want to throw up. The way you laugh and carry on like nothing ever happened. Everything you said to me near the end was a lie. It can't change that quickly. They had such an effect on you and your decisions. You listened anyway, even though you know they don't care about you. You said I was the only one who did. Now you've thrown me away. How can you expect me to respect you? You've changed so much I barely recognize you. You've turned into one of them, even though you said you would never become one. You said you didn't need all that. You didn't need it to have fun. There was more important things. Clearly your mind has changed.
I don't need you. There are far better people to spend my time with, who truly care. Who take time out of their schedules just to be with me. People who's love will never change for me. Yours did drastically. And I have to live with that every day. But I've moved on now. You're a single memory I've pushed to the back of my head. I feel numb towards you. I can't feel you there. Your stare in the hallways; I look away as if you're just another face in a sea of faces. You once ripped my heart out, but now the pain is nothing more than a single drop of blood that needs to be wiped up.

Numb.

Eff.

More bad feelings. Except these bad feelings won't just go away. These feelings have become a reality. A horrific, terrifying, agonizing nightmare. I wish it was just a nightmare. Not my reality. Not what's actually happening to me. I feel like digging a hole and jumping in and burying myself and staying there forever. I feel like curling up in a ball and dying. My heart has been ripped out and stomped on.
The epitomy of shitty.
I feel like crying but can't because there's no tears left. Only shock and horror. Lonliness. Pain. Searing pain like a knife being stabbed through my heart. Like my body is being torn in half. Like the organs I need to survive are getting up and leaving. Like a huge chunk of my soul is missing.
I've never experienced such an agony before. Such a terrorizing blow to the head. The truth of knowing that it's coming to an end. The past few months have been the hardest.
And now it's come to this.
I never understood how it could come to this. In the beginning I never dreamed anything so unbearably painful could become a reality. I was happier than I've ever been in my entire life in the beginning. I was on top of the world, and nothing could bring me down.
But now, everything is so different. Everything that happens is done in a depressing way; every fake smile, every word. I look back on how it used to be and feel the salt being poured into the already deep cut wounds. I wish it was like that again. I wish wish wish more than anything that I knew everything was going to be okay, and that the knives will stop stabbing.
My world is falling and crashing into billions of pieces that cannot be put back together because there's just too many.
This is going to be a long and winding road with many obstacles.

But if it doesn't kill me, it makes me stronger.
Even if I fight a losing battle.

Upppppdates.

-I'm back from San Diego. Twas awesome. Not too hot and not too cold. Juuuuuuuust perfect.
-I've decided I'm going to save up more money to buy a computer first, not a camera.
-My hair is black. I really really like it. Everyone does except my mother, who did it in the first place. Reluctantly.
-I iz going to Cowichan this weekend for my friend Alanna's birthday. Gonna be ballin' homies. :)
-And I think that's about it. See ya.